Wednesday = Wed day: Episode 14 – I was wrong, I’m sorry & I love you.

Derek Webb is a musician who sings about issues of faith, life and love and i really enjoy his music [and his crazy personality] and recently invited a section of the public to get involved and help him create the music video for his latest song which is titled ‘I was wrong, I’m sorry & I love you’ and which you can listen to over here. 

It’s a great song. And Derek did tell me that when life calms down a little [although not sure that will ever happen for someone like him] he will write a guest blog post for me on those three phrases and I very much am looking forward to the possibility of that.

But for this week’s relationship post I wanted to simply mention them, draw your attention to them and ask you if those are phrases you use in your relationships?

Being married, that is specifically the relationship I think of first, but this can apply to any relationship you are in with people you care about.

Do you ever say “I was wrong”? This is so huge. SO SO HUGE. And so neglected. And so damaging when it is. I’m also not just talking about saying the word ‘Sorry’ because I think some people use that word as a ‘Get out of jail free’ card replacing any actual kind of acknowledgement and responsibility for the hurt they have caused. Ah, I said the word so all good. No, have you actually really repented and meant it? Are you truly sorry that you hurt this person? Are you going to choose to live life differently so you don’t end up doing it again in the same way? I just realised I dived straight into the second one but they are so completely intimately linked.

Do you acknowledge wrongdoing on your part? Do you follow that up with genuine repentance? “I’m sorry.”

And then more than just the words again, does your life after that point echo the sentiments behind the third phrase, “I love you”?

Because once more those three words can be so empty if they are not backed up by a life commitment. If you love me do it differently. Do it better. Or possibly much more importantly, if I love you then what do I need to do differently, better, so that you feel loved? So that you experience love. Not just the feeling of love, but the reality of being loved.

It is a 1 Corinthians 13 type love that says and means that ‘I was  wrong, I’m sorry and & love you.’

‘4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.’

It’s a great song [been stuck in my head the last few days] so watch out for the video. And #cough the blog post, Derek #cough.

Wednesday = Wed day: Episode 13 – From “I do” to “We do”

When the beautiful Val [tbV] and I finished our time at the Simple Way, our bossman Darin suggested this wooden artwork, that  a friend of theirs could put together for us, with some words that we had spotted on the Book of Facings, as a farewell gift, and we jumped at it.

These words are powerful and are a covenant of who we would like to be as a family and the kind of home environment we are working towards, both for ourselves and for the many people we hope to extend hospitality to who will come and stay with us, and, for a short or long time, become a part of our family.

Some of these are definitely easier than others.

But all of them are valuable to us.

And it feels like we’re making progress on a couple of them.

This list is not all-inclusive by any means, or even close to. But it is populated with words, experiences and principles that we value and want to chase enthusiastically after.

Ah, wait, I’m doing it wrong. I said WE WANT TO CHASE ENTHUSIASTICALLY AFTER! 

[That’s better]

We didn’t come up with this list, so you are welcome to borrow them and embrace them. Even come up with some of your own.

So let’s hear from you then… What are two things you would add to this list if it was in your home?

[For last Wednesday’s Search for MEDS: Married, Engaged, Dating, Single, click here]

Wednesday = Wed day: Episode 12 – The Search for Meds. [Married, Engaged, Dating, Single]

If you ask me, ‘Is it better to be married or single, or even maybe to be dating or engaged?’ my answer to you would be, “Yes!”

‘Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.’ [Jack Handey]

True story. And if you don’t know who Jack Handey is, all the worst for you. Go and ask Uncle Google. [On the other hand if you don’t know who his lesser known virtual rip-off second cousin Brett Andy is, you can rectify that by going here]

But that’s not important now. What we’re going to be looking at t0day is Relationships. As in the romantic kind as well as not being involved in the romantic kind. This is not a new post but rather a compilation of posts [and unless you have a good attention span and a large mug of coffee this may require multiple visits to take it all in, so bookmark it] but what I want to suggest strongly is this: If you are presently single, start with the married posts. And if you’re married, make sure you read the singleness stories. Often we let the label of where we’re at in that dictate the stories we decided to read, but I want to suggest to you that it will be so incredibly helpful for married people to be reminded of some of the stuff you used to face when you were dating and to hear some of the struggles and joys of those who are currently single. For the singles and datings to read and get a glimpse inside of the lives of those who are married, especially some who have been for a long time, can give you so much wisdom that will benefit you in your time of singleness or dating. We need to get a lot better at being around those who are in a different place from us in terms of this stuff [and to boldly declare with them that neither place is better than the other, just different, each with its own benefits and challenges].

There is a lot here, and you don’t need to read it all, but there is some really good stuff so give yourself a chance… and if you read something that you know will benefit someone else you know then share it or send them here or cut and paste it into your own blog and pretend it’s your own…

Hopefully there is some huge encouragement or wisdom or maybe just a different perspective that you needed to read.

And please leave your mark in the comments sections of the blogs – agree, disagree, ask questions, leave doodles… as long as you are engaging…

Singleness – A blessing for some, really painfully difficult for others – read some incredible stories that some brave friends of mine have offered to share with us. Marrieds, you really need to hear some of this stuff”

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/04/taboo-topics-singleness-intro

I Kissed Dating [The Parts] – Including the always popular “How Far is too far?” in which the answer at the time was, “Belgium. Belgium is too far!”

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/19/i-kissed-dating-the-parts

Marriage to the right person – You know, your ‘Neo’ person – the “One” – Do they even exist? And how do I track mine down?

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2010/07/04/marriage-to-the-right-person-highly-recommendable

Sex in Marriage – A great read for anyone, single or married, as two [and hopefully more later] brave friends of ours share some of their very different journeys:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/taboo-topics-sex-in-marriage-intro

Ten Ways to Love – These are just some powerful ideas of how to love people in your life well and so extends past romantic relationships and is great:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/ten-ways-to-love-intro

On the Honeymoon phase [specifically for newlyweds and those heading towards being married]  – written by my wife, the Beautiful Val [tbV]:

http://valanderson.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/on-the-honeymoon-phase

How to love your woman better [this covers women loving their men better too] – Val and I looked at some different important aspects of really treating the person in your life who you love well:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/how-to-love-your-woman-better-the-parts

One way to love your husband/wife better – Another great series, this time with a bunch of my friends sharing some advice on how to love your person in a deeper, more significant way:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/one-way-to-love-your-husbandwife-better

How to save your marriage [Before you need to] – This is an excellent series where I invited a number of my friends [from different stages of marriage] to share one key aspect they felt was crucial to help build a strong marriage together:

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2012/09/17/how-to-save-a-marriage-before-you-need-to-the-parts

Love, even [especially!] when you don’t feel like it – This was an early post on The Weekly Mash [and Peace!] and dealt with such a difficult topic – how do you continue to love your person well when you are in a time of not feeling it [because of a fight or an attitude or incident]:

https://mashandpeace.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/wednesday-wed-day-episode-3-love-when-you-dont-feel-like-it

It’s not about the nail – More discussion is probably needed with this one to get beyond just the humour of the point it is making, but I encourage you to take some time to honestly talk this through with your person – looking at the idea of a time to point things out honestly and a time to just hug [while gently tilting your head to the side so as to avoid the nail]:

https://mashandpeace.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/wednesday-wed-day-episode-11-its-not-about-the-nail

How to love well and long – Another The Weekly Mash [and Peace!] post, this one looked at four aspects hidden within a potentially cheesy saying that each contain incredible depth and are worth looking at even further:

https://mashandpeace.wordpress.com/2013/05/29/wednesday-wed-day-episode-10-slow-and-insane-and-true-and-quick

How much sex in Marriage? [Oh go and look, you know you want to!]

http://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/04/22/how-much-sex-in-marriage

And no list of important relationshippy things would be complete without some deep words of wisdom in cartoon strip form via the crew of Pearls before Swine:

[For next Wednesday’s From I do to We do, click here]

[For last Wednesday’s It’s Not about the Nail, click here]

Wednesday = Wed day: Episode 11 – It’s not about the nail!

Thanks to my friend Leanne Bennett for passing this on to me. For married couples in particular [but seriously, everyone should watch this!] this is a powerful piece by a guy called Jason Headley:

Sometimes, even when it is completely obvious that there is a nail sticking out of your person’s head the loving thing can still be to give them a chance to speak and to really try and listen to what they are saying and hold off on your answer giving [probably more true generally for men than for women but I imagine it works differently in different couples]. And then also sometimes just valuable to take a step back from the feelings and emotions of a situation and consider the practical solution that your person might be offering as a viable solution. The question “Are you willing to take a nail indent to the forehead to give your person space to be, even if you’re pretty convinced you know they’re wrong?”

Anyone got a story like this to share of a time you were absolutely convinced you were right about something and made your person pay by the way you just refused to accept any other possibility, and then later found out that they were right all along and had to humbly ask for forgiveness?

Which of these two do you relate more to and do you think there is a time to stop mentioning the nail and just start listening or is that too big a thing?

[For next Wednesday’s Search for Meds: Married, Engaged, Dating, Single, click here]

[For last Wednesday’s Slow and Insane and True and Quick which dealt with taking a potentially cheesy saying and digging deep into the meaning there, click here]

Wednesday = Wed day: Episode 6 – There should be a sorry in there somewhere.

I was very sad to learn recently that there have been a total number of 0 cases recorded of an ostrich burying its head in the sand.

First the Tooth Fairy, then Santa Claus [Father Christmas, as he was called in South Africa] and now this? What’s next, Johnny Depp?
[Just kidding, kids, Johnny is real!]

But yes, according to the American Ostrich Association, that is indeed merely a myth:

‘This tale originates from the fact that the male ostrich will dig a large hole (up to 6 to 8 feet wide and 2-3 feet deep) in the sand for the nest / eggs. Predators cannot see the eggs across the countryside which gives the nest a bit of protection. The hen as well as the rooster takes turns setting on the eggs and because of the indention in the ground, usually just blend into the horizon. All birds turn their eggs (with their beak) several times a day during the incubation period. From a distance it appears as though the bird has his/her head in the sand.’ [http://www.ostriches.org/factor.html]

In other news, I thought this card was pretty funny the first time I read it:

But it becomes less funny when that becomes our go-to place of dealing with conflict.

The general apology “for that thing I did which upset you” which doesn’t take responsibility for the specific thing which you know you did which hurt or disappointed someone. We become like the mythical ostrich [What a segue, right?] and bury our head in the sand and hope that a sweeping kind-of-apology statement will be enough.

I have learnt from experience that it doesn’t work like that. Especially in marriage, which often helps to highlight the flaws in your character, thanks to the spotlight of living in very close proximity with another person. It is important and valuable, and sometimes oh-so-hard [but oh SO completely worth it, at the very least in the long run] to look the person in the eye and apologise for the specific thing you did.

“I am sorry that I was not on time when I knew you wanted to leave at 5.”

“I apologise for not making you feel like you are not appreciated around here.”

“I am sorry you felt that the joke I made at the dinner party last night was at your expense.”

And I’m sure a lot worse and a lot less serious than those simple examples. But at the risk of sounding a little bit Dr Phil, it is important to own your sorry in a conflict. A general, “Sorry for what I may have done to hurt you” [unless you honestly don’t know, and then find out so you can apologise properly] does not actually deal with the problem head on and it will surface again at some time [and be bigger and badder.

It is not easy most of the time. But repentance and confession in relationships are such key significant things.
[And making up afterwards is not the worst thing in the world either] You really have to choose to make those a regular part of life in all of your relationships with people.

[For next Wednesday’s Together vs. Not Together, click here]
[for last Wednesday’s Strangers in a Pit, click here]

And now a picture of J. Depp just to prove he’s still real.

Saturday Round Up: The week that was: Episode 3: Celebrity marriage tips, angry umbrella cartoons and Cloud man!

A quick link summary of the-week-that-was for anyone who might have missed a post or want to catch up from the week:

Monday was a rare picture that made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it and which continues to make me chuckle: Cloud man

Tuesday was a look at celebrity marriage and seeing if we could learn anything from Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner or Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith

Wednesday brought us the Love when you’re angry umbrella cartoon reminding us that real Love goes beyond feelings

Thursday had a unique flavour using Wednesday’s cartoon to focus on the consequences of Loving God aspect

Friday was all about slowing life down and taking time, and making time, to be still and appreciate and live in the moment

[To view last week’s Saturday round up which featured the pope, a bigger God and the importance of looking after the earth]

Wednesday = Wed day: Episode 3 – Love, when you don’t feel like it…

I really liked this picture when I saw it on Facebook the other day as it really summed up a huge aspect of Love for me.

We grow up being fed the lie that love is a feeling, or that it relies exclusively on feelings. Once the feeling has gone then love is no more and it’s time to move on.

But fortunately, and especially (although maybe not exclusively) if we have an encounter with Jesus, we learn that Love is so much more than that. Love is a series of choices made regardless of feeling, that when made and lived out well, more often than not have the feeling along as well for the accompanying ride.

Caring for each other even when you’re angry. That is so powerful.

And in reality [especially, I think, in the reality of marriage, if you have that] it competes strongly against pride and needing to be right and getting some form of revenge [although you will never call it that and so you disguise it discreetly, or try to, as passive aggressive sulky woe-is-me behaviour, doors closed a little more harder than you would normally and well delivered sighs] and wanting to lash out and possibly a bunch of other viciously ugly things as well.

This cartoon reminds me of the last few words of 1 Corinthians 13, commonly known as the Love chapter, and at the end of a list of incredible choice-related aspects of Love, the writer finishes off with:

‘It [Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’ [verse 7]

That is this picture:

# Protecting: Looking out for your person even though you are angry

# Trusting: That the reason you are angry is because of something much less important than the fact that your person loves you.

# Hoping: That this too will pass, and hopefully fairly quickly, so you can hurry back to the feeling-accompanied part of Love.

# Persevering: Holding fast to the commitment you made to your person before God, family and friends. To really Love them well.

[for next Wednesday’s Your Relationship With You, click here]
[for last Wednesday’s Man In The Mirror, click here]

Tuesday = News Day: Episode 3 – Celebrity guide to Marriage: Will Smith vs Ben Affleck

Two stories that caught my eye making headlines in the last week concerned celebrity marriages, that of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith and the one between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner.

To put it in a little context, I absolutely love Will Smith – one of my favourite actors and seldom in a bad movie, and I have historically not been a huge fan of either Ben Affleck or Jennifer Garner actingwise [although Ben won some HUGE points back with his direction and acting in Argo which I really loved].

So a news story about an actor I really dig and two that I really don’t so much.

The headline of the Will Smith/Jada Pinkett-Smith article was ‘Jada Pinkett-Smith on Will Smith Open Marriage Rumors: I Tell Him to “Do Whatever You Want”‘

Now the article was more suggestive then direct and so it leaves a lot of interpretation for the reader, but some of the statements Jada made really did not sit well with me.

“I’ve always told Will: You can do whatever you want as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and be okay,” she said, without going into further specifics.”

“Because at the end of the day, Will is his own man,” she said of the Men in Black star. “I’m here as his partner, but he is his own man. He has to decide who he wants to be and that’s not for me to do for him,” she said, adding: “Or vice versa.”

They give a picture of a very me-centered marriage relationship. Every man for himself [and every woman for herself] I’m not sure being able to look in the mirror and be okay with yourself is a strong foundation for loving your wife in a marriage. There is some truth to “that’s not for me to do for him” in terms of allowing her husband the freedom to be the right person in the marriage, but “he is his own man” I would suggest is not true. No you aren’t. You made a commitment to your wife in front of family and friends, and God [well they wouldn’t necessarily say that I guess] and you have given yourself to this woman, to love and serve her which means when you look at yourself in the mirror it should all be about asking whether you are doing that well.

Then I read the article about Ben and Jennifer titled ‘Jen on Ben’s Oscar Speech Marriage ‘Diss” and cheered them on. I watched the Oscars ceremony where Ben made this speech and was stunned to hear how much flack he got for it:

Some speculated that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s marriage wasn’t as rosy as it appeared to be, when Ben Affleck decided to thank his wife during his Oscar acceptance speech by revealing that their marriage took “work.” “I want to thank you for working on our marriage for 10 Christmases. It’s good. It is work, but the best kind of work and there’s no one I’d rather work with,” he said, which some viewers deemed as a less than flattering thank you to his wife.

Jennifer seemed to fortunately understand her husband and get what he was saying:

“I had a friend call and say, ‘Are you OK?,'” she tells the British newspaper. “[But] I know Ben, I knew he meant it as the hugest, warmest compliment in the world. I think he was saying, ‘Look, what we have is really real and I value it above all and I’m in it with you and I know you are in it with me.’ That’s the way I took it.”

I think that, especially in Hollywood, Ben’s statement gave huge reflection and insight into marriage. Hollywood where you get marriages that can sometimes be measured in hours and days rather than years and eternities. Ten years is monumental for that context and speaking openly and honestly of the reality of what it takes to succeed and build a marriage is applaudable. With the kind of scheduling, locations and temptations associated with movie-making I imagine it probably takes a lot more work and concerted effort to build a strong marriage.

Don’t get me wrong here. I cannot judge either marriage from the basis of one media article. I just want to look at the focus points that the statements made by the married people give. The one has a strong selfish it’s-all-or-largely-about-me focus and the other one says we-are-in-his-together-and-some-of-it-is-going-to-take-hard-work-but-it-is-going-to-be-worth-it and of the two, I find the second to be far more honest, true and healthy for any type of relationship, but especially marriage.

Gained some more respect for both Ben and Jen with this one.

[for next Tuesday’s Before there was Iron Man [a story about Margaret Thatcher] click here]
[for last Tuesday’s Pope on a Rope, click here]